Mon escritoire

It was a rainy night when Mr. H, one of my closest friends (as far as i know) beeped me and asked about personal stuff (when i say personal, it means really personal). He asked me questions a girl would never answer out of friendliness. Questions which need one’s complete sanity and honesty. Honestly, it was a little bit awkward but then my instincts told me to go by the board because it was my tipping point. And so i took his ‘little’ test and at the end, i managed to get him whining and definitely not winning.

Despite the awkwardness and comments brazenly thrown at me, i learned more about the truths of life. And here are some of my realizations:
1. Your personality and character will never be stable. They will always depend on who reads your book and if your book is open in the first place.
2. Never try to sound all-knowing. The more you try, the more you’ll sound senseless.
3. Whenever you do your best to sound nice, your words will always be misinterpreted. Better not talk at all when things get all wrong.
4. Friends are real but best friends aren’t. They only get to be true when one stops asking and starts trusting.
5. Blood will always be thicker than water. That’s why you always have to set your priorities. Who gets the most of your attention? Who hurts who?
6. Man’s super ego works all the time but at some point, in a split of a second, it fails and falters. His happiest moment is his weakest.
7. Staying up late at night is never disadvantageous. The weirdest, craziest and funniest conversations are initiated past 12 midnight. Trust me, it’s true.
8. Do-it-your-way tests are not reliable. Instead of discovering the truth using the answers, lies come out because of the questions. Next time you make one, make sure you check first how debauched your past has been. You have no right to ask questions you could not answer yourself.
9. I can never be judged by anyone here on earth. I am what they think i am not, and i am not what they think i am.
10. Mr. H has never been a best friend. He just exploited the word so as to lure me into thinking that he is the best man around me. Well hell yeah, i thought he was. But darn! his test spoke for itself. So what if i am not the girl he never remembered of knowing? He’s not even the man i never dreamed of having.
11. Blogging makes you realize how vulnerable you are to different emotions that’s why it’s exciting.
12. I am out of words at this very moment…..

He sat across my seat smiling, staring at me like he never did before. Casual conversation immediately followed as he opened his bottle of beer. From you-have-changed-a-lot comments to what-do-you-plan-to-do stuff, he shifted the discussion into something I did not expect him to blabber about. I am used to hearing flotsam and jetsam out of his mouth but never did I imagine him talk of his dream hospital. Yes, dream hospital. FYI, he’s not taking up medicine and he has already buried the idea of being a nurse five feet underground long ago either. That’s why it was annoying to hear him talk about hospital thingies with him expecting me to comment on every word he says. Surprisingly, as I listened INTENTLY to his thoughts, I found myself bursting into laughter and at the same time melting into confusion. Honestly, I was entertained by his stories and the jolly atmosphere he created made me listen more of his weird thoughts.
By the way, this is not about how fun he is to be with, or how sweet his smile is but how weird his thoughts are. Forgive me for the tinge of confusion but this post isn’t supposed to be a character sketch or a narrative report of the what’s and how’s of my summer vacation. So now, here’s a list of the amenities/features/services (or whatever you call it) of the hospital he dreams of MANAGING.

a. The hospital shall be situated in a town/ city/ barrio without any medical assistance yet. (I wonder where in the world that place will be. In Africa perhaps?)
b. The hospital shall be solely OWNED and MANAGED by this weird man
c. It shall consist of five floors.
Ground floor: Parking Lot. Free Parking for Luxury cars only. Ordinary cars, jeeps, trucks shall park 10 meters away from the Parking Lot with each vehicle charged 10 php per hour. (Maybe that’s the reason why the parking lot is free of charge, nobody’s gonna use it anyway. In short, mall-type parking, with fee)
Second floor: HIS House. Take note, the owner shall be living in the premises of the hospital, and it would be in the second floor. When asked why in the second floor, he haughtily answered he has the greatest hospital in the whole country that’s why he needs to monitor every individual who enters and praises his masterpiece. (Really Haughty eh?)
Third Floor: Private Rooms all fully furnished. Rooms have uniform rates. Affordable for people who want to afford it. (yeah right. price? He did not mention)
Fourth Floor: Laboratories and Operating rooms.( no need to expound on the details)
Fifth Floor: EMERGENCY ROOM and DELIVERY ROOMS. Consultations shall also take place in this floor. Do not haul yet, the additional details are mentioned below.
d. Because of Global Warming and Climate Change, the hospital shall conserve energy. There shall be no elevators.
e. Staircase shall be situated at the right side of the hospital. It shall always be ONE-WAY with no inclined planes for hospital beds. The principle behind: if you really want to save lives, you shall prioritize those who are struggling for their lives, those who are dying just to reach the fifth floor. (no comment)
f. ONLY nurses and doctors who graduated from premier universities here and abroad shall work in the hospital. Graduates from the provinces are welcome provided they take their Ph.D.s and special trainings in schools like Harvard, Stanford and Jon Hopkins. ( Now, that’s something worth bragging)
g. The identity of the hospital shall be discovered by the patients and workers themselves. No name shall be posted at the portal / façade of the hospital. Initials of the name shall be painted in every ‘hotspot’ inside the hospital. Tip: if you really love the hospital, you’ll die knowing its name. (creepy)

So if you are in the medical field, you might want to watch out for this hospital. Who knows, your name could be listed in the Guinness just because of the peculiarity of your workplace. Not to mention his eagerness to invite me to work there soon. Laugh. Laugh. Oh well, weird but only smart and creative people can ever think of this (no comments please). And so at the end of the night, he gets the point ^_^ and I’ll surely Mark it.

I never thought my summer would be this awful- restricted schedule, loathsome grades, boring days, sleepless nights, and terrifying what-will-i-do-if-i-happen-not-to stuff.

My checklist hasn’t changed. I still want those aforementioned for this season. And maybe, just maybe, 2 of them will be done by the end of April.
*****
I want to change myself because I am anxious about my future. The what if’s brought about by the circumstances i am now facing make me seek an entire new me. I knew this would happen, but i never thought it would be this hard. How can i adjust? how will i transform myself into a nerdy, geek, grade-conscious biologist from a lazy,easy-going, careless netizen? how will i be more sensitive to other people’s needs if i myself, cannot recognize what things should i pamper myself with?

Alright, it’s obvious. The reason why i am writing this blog, ranting at the middle of the night is my acad life. I have told myself many times to chill, enjoy and excel. Unfortunately, it got worse. I now got the worst grades of my entire life(i really do hope this is the worst average i could get). With these grades which seem to have been buried somewhere and now will haunt me my entire life, i can’t help but think about what i have been trying to run from. For months now, i have been experiencing this so called ‘mid-course crisis’. The feeling that i want to get out of Biology and find my fundamental niche simply because it came to me one day that i was in a realized niche, something i am trying myself to be in, something that the environment pushes me to do, something that i know deep within my heart is not the thing which will bring me joy, which will help me excel.

Bottom line is, I am wishing for a new hope. Something that will inspire me to move forward without looking back . Something that will make me feel that i won’t regret all the things that i am doing right now. Something that will give joy, that will make me happy, that will make me feel i am living. Something that will embolden me and make me believe that what i am taking is worth fighting for. Unfortunately, that something is yet to be found. . . and so, i am still to be salvaged.

First of all, i would like to shed off all these extra pounds no matter what it takes. ha ha! darn those sexy pictures i used to have.

Second, i want to shop and shop and shop and shop until i drop.

Third, spa baby, ultimate spa experience! i need this one.

Fourth, drive drive drive. it has been a short-term goal for a year now (is a year still a short time?ha ha) to enroll in a driving school. I hope this summer, i could make time for this.

Fifth, sleep and sleep. I sooooooo love sleeping not to mention the reasons behind. ha ha

Sixth, New fling. ha ha..

Seventh, a HUGE swimming get-together.

Eighth, money. Should i work? or should i not work? whatever.lol

Ninth, space. i think i really need to brood over things to ease out the hubbubs. Or perhaps i need to console myself into thinking that biology is the best pre-med course and i should not give up on it.

Tenth, FIRE. revive the fire!!!! i need more productive and deeper quiet times.

yesterday, there was a sudden change in my schedule due to a message telling me that my good ol’ friends were here. I was supposed to attend an org activity but due to their invitation which coincides with the fact that my dad and cousins will arrive the same time, i ditched the pre-scheduled activity and went off to chit chat with my kiths and kins. I know some were hurt but then i had to consider my priorities.

Of course, the reunion started with me asking them what the H are they doing in the mall and as expected, it was something of political extravagance since they have the common denominator, they are all SK Chairpersons in our municipality. They told me it was a ‘lakbay-aral’ funded by their respective barangays and then i asked what was it all about.

“We went to davao to visit the place”,a friend uttered. It was a reflex action to react on the idea of ‘visiting’ the place, and then there i go again, mocking the whole darn thing. The next question i asked was the question i was really interested in, ‘how much was the budget?’. then they all smiled and answered in chorus ‘it’s 25 per person’.

Crap! 25k for that ‘lakbay-aral’? darn, the grand total of all the ‘expenses’ could feed hundreds of children in a feeding program, or could cater boxes of medicines in a medical mission, or could plant thousands of mangrove trees in estuaries, or could buy enough books for the gradeschoolers in the outskirts! Considering that they were 26 who joined the trip, that 650k is hell a HUGE sum of money from THE GOVERNMENT to be splurged in a davao trip. That sum could in a way satiate and address the clamors of the public teachers who rally for increased salaries!

I can’t help but conclude. Forgive me , but that’s SK. It is all about,corruption. That’s why other people like us believe that SK should really be abolished. It is not a venue for the youth to SERVE, but to satisfy themselves and indulge in the perks. Although some SK people do really excel when it comes to public service, a MAJORITY however lack the capacity to do their responsibilities. They obviously do not have the passion. They were elected to serve, to squeeze out all their creative juices in order to come up with worthwhile projects which could help the youth. These projects should be the training grounds for all the youth to be responsible leaders. SK should be an avenue for these young leaders to offer themselves to the country and not to practice the art of politics and corruption. IF WE REALLY WANT TO SEE THESE YOUNG LEADERS WORK WHOLE-HEARTEDLY FOR THE COUNTRY, THEN HONORARIUM AND LAVISH AND WORTHLESS PROJECTS LIKE THEIR LAKBAY-ARAL SHOULD BE SCRAPPED. if these people really WANT to serve, they should volunteer themselves and not run after what is of monetary gain. The purpose of this SK is now defeated. The National Youth Commission envisions the SK as a place for young people to exercise their right to articulate their thoughts, to draft new rules, to command and to address the public clamors in the best way they could. Now, this vision seems to be blurry enough not to see and quite impossible to actualize. It is evident, yet we are still crossing our fingers, hoping for things to change. But the question is, when? When will these people realize that what they are doing is completely out of the context of being a responsible leader? that in some way they are held in the neck by the politicians greedy of money? when will they breakout from this dogma that the youth should be influenced by the higher positions in the government? when can we have a REAL Sanggunian ng Kabataan ?

Yes, i considered running for a position before but not because of the perks of being one of these people. Now it makes me realize how grateful i am for not making a wrong decision. I’ll never regret turning down the offer because as far as i know, saying NO to these things means upholding my dignity as a leader.

playlist number 37

You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life

Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
My life was changed
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin

So it’s with everything I am
I reach out for Your hand
The hope for change
The second chance I’ve gained

On You I throw my life
Casting all my fears aside
How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
I’m now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love

So I’ll wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faith’s enough
To see mountains lift and move

And I’ll wait upon You now
Dedicated to Your will
To this love that will remain
A love that never fails

– this song is really timely. The time for me to prove my worth has come. Circumstances jive with one another and i can’t afford to lose this fight.

Tomorrow, i will be a better person.
Yesterday, i was a brooding over serious things. Things which count as far as i am concerned.
Today, i have been given this chance to rectify my errors. And this time, a greater challenge was imposed on me- to gentrify what’s in my hands right now and to segue what i have started.

People made the crucial decision. I,too, took the risk of competing against someone new knowing that he has the advantage of promising a better brand of leadership. And as expected, it was a close fight. People who voted for me were the ones who knew the real story behind this hubbub and i thank them for betting on me despite the fact that i nearly quit the fight.

“Even if people would stand against you, you should never quit”, someone told me. This shall hold true. Now that i have decided to clean up the mess by myself, i have to be strong, to be better , to be bolder.
Past experiences made me realize my shortcomings and i can say, these are the lessons everyone should learn. These are the things every member should know for these are the things which will make them grow.

I hope for a better executive board, free of internal conflicts, full of deference. The new set of officers shall strive hard to prove that the votes won’t be wasted. As for the re-elected officers, they shall do their best to prove that every mistake can be put into proper light; that they can regain the trust of the whole organization; that they can be BETTER LEADERS despite the fact that others do not trust them anymore.

I hope for a better organization composed of people who do not point fingers at each other during downfalls and mishaps. I hope for better members who will not hastily judge the officers when things get out of hand. I hope for members who will work as hard as the officers to prove that they have the right to criticize or perhaps humiliate the officers whenever errors are committed. People must be sensitive enough to offer what they can give and help create the sphere of change every member desires. These are the things the organization must be transformed into- a more responsible and understanding BANNUAR.

i knew it. Something wrong will happen. I saw this coming but i didn’t expect it would be too soon.

At first, i thought i was weak; not because i feel like quitting but because exhaustion sank in and i had no choice but to rest. Things went on so badly that people lost their trust in me and in what i can do. I lived weeks of isolation and despondency, wanting to be salvaged by anyone whom i know i could trust. I was saddened but at the same time revived when no one came to the rescue. I realized i am not to be saved. I can never be saved for i am not to be in the first place. And so what i did was to rediscover the whole thing and try to grasp things knowing that i was lagging behind. Fortunately , i won over this battle. I regained my confidence and braced myself to fight further. But things really seem to push me away. Circumstances now impose a chagrin coupled with vile and mischief and i can see all things conspire to tell me it’s pay-back time.

I am happy, that people have finally unleashed the monsters within them; that finally i came to see things in a clearer view; that finally i met the people i am with. No more masks, no more pretensions.

As i walk through valleys low, i see the evil circling around me. Good thing, i have my faith to hold on to. Betrayal is forgivable i suppose, but never will it be forgotten. Just as Judas betrayed Christ ,they did it to me and honestly, it felt bad. Really bad. But i won’t be moved. They may have caused me pain, but they will never kill me and my passion.

Forgiveness really is a hard thing to offer especially when people whom you trusted for quite a while did what is abominable. It’s really something not to be given away so easily especially when it entails the promise of a renewed trust, of a renewed friendship. It is like a flower after being crushed-giving off a sweet scent despite its death. It’s like accepting you’re a convict who needs to endure a life-sentenced incarceration while in fact it was you who was harassed. Forgiveness really is the most crucial part of reconciliations, for without it, peace talks would merely be reaffirmations. . That is why Jesus’ ability to forgive at an instant is the one thing humans cannot acquire.

I am writing lightly to distress myself from what i have discovered recently. I am not complaining anymore for i know things won’t get better if i meddle with their plans. I am no longer fighting for i know i can’t win against their number. I am no longer anxious on what the dirty elections may result into. I am no longer trusting strangers. I am no longer vulnerable. I am no longer the flower they wanted to crush.

Amidst the political weeds that creep into the organization, I am still hoping for a new brand of leadership coming from REAL EFFECTIVE LEADERS. These are the people who don’t need to badmouth others in order to win. The people who are not afraid to take a stand , who won’t use people to correct others’ mistakes, who won’t judge hypothetically based on shallow and hasty generalizations. These are the people who do not SOUND SO WISE only to lure people in believing in their lame arguments. These are those who do not put the blame on the people they don’t trust and most especially, those who won’t trade their ability to trust with security.
People may misunderstand me i know. May God bless them.